Scrounger? - If Only

Hardly a week goes by without a story in the newspapers about benefit 'scroungers'; individuals or families who exist in what appears to be relative luxury purely on state handouts.  The inference is always that they have 'screwed the system', secured their income by nefarious means and somehow fooled the overworked/gullible benefits staff with bogus hard luck stories.  And no doubt some of them have.
I suppose the tales of 25 year old single mothers with three houses and thirteen disabled children might stretch credibility a bit, but I am sure that some spurious claims do succeed simply because, by the devious Law of Averages (see earlier blog) a few are bound to sneak through.
Whatever I might have thought of the benefit culture before, it looks different from the inside and I must admit that my overwhelming emotion when faced with a 'scrounger' story is sheer admiration at the perpetrator's tenacity.
Trying to find out about what benefits exist - never mind which ones you might be entitled to - is like hacking your way through dense jungle with a bicycle pump and no compass.
Having stumbled across one that looks a likely candidate you then have to fill in a form which requires an amount of research to rival the writing of a definitive history of the Jewish diaspora, because claiming the benefit appears to be the only way to find out if you can get it. (or not)
And then you find out that the information you gave on the form disqualifies you for the benefit you are already getting!  (Do I sound bitter?)
I received a letter which stated
"Your allowance has been stopped.  If you want to know why telephone the following number"
If  I want to know why?!!
I spent the rest of the day, and an amount of money that I was no longer entitled to, either on the phone or waiting for someone to call me back.  Each time I called I spoke to someone different and had to explain all over again.  The most intriguing call, once I had negotiated the various options and menus, was when someone at the Department of Work and Pensions answered by urgently whispering "Ice Ice Baby" twice before hanging up.  I know they record these calls for training purposes, so maybe they were looking for a record deal - or perhaps it was their last day.
Anyway it turned out that, in my claim form, I had declared savings that exceeded the limit for the benefit I was already getting.
"Why," I was asked by someone obviously trained to deal with claimants whose first language is used by only thirty six people in a remote Himalayan cave-kingdom, "why didn't you tell us about this before?"
The correct answer to this seemed obvious and had the advantage of actually being true, but it didn't satisfy Ice Baby. " Because no-one asked me".
I now have to present myself at the local office with sheafs of proof regarding my wordly goods and explain why I had the temerity to expect money just because I was out of work.
It's possible I may be put against the wall and shot.